I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
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I triple waxed for this?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I’m not proud
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*