Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
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[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Imma just leave this here…………
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice