Very problematic
You Might Also Like
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”