“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
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[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard