If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah