It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.