my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
What flavor cupcake are these
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future