don’t be scared
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Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer