Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
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ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
No. He’s not coming out to play
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?