Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
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Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..