Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
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me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial