PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
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her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
…u ok Nintendo?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT