I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Am I having a stroke?