What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
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I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
i spent way too long on this
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.