I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
You Might Also Like
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.