Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know