my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
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Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.