Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
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It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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