In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
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me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Anime is real
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.