I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
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*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
No, he would not have.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
marvel comics have peaked
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands