They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
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Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.