Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
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Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
accurate
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Why am I like this?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted