“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
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*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Finally!
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.