i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
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4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Pot warmers of the day.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*