The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
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*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle