The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
You Might Also Like
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
In banana years, I am bread.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
get you a girl who
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.