Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
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Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
new wife guy just dropped
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.