tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
uh oh
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages