For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow