3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
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DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.