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My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!