Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
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I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Wait a minute…
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.