Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
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me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Life cycle of cat
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.