If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
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ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Spider-cat: No One Home