SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
When your parents check you’re ok.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.