I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
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In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.