I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!