Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
You Might Also Like
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno