CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside