I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help