live, laugh, laundry.
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?