Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
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Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket