Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
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I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
When he asks for feet pics
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.