First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
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bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.