Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
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even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
This is true.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name