The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
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no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
True freaking story!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned