I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
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The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight