[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
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“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*sewing*
A thread
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..