Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
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I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.