“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
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Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.